Bullet Train (2022)

Do ever feel like nothing in your life is going right? Does it ever seem like your luck couldn’t possibly get worse than it is? Maybe you feel like every day is a bad day? Well, I can assure you, none of you are having the hell of a day that Ladybug is having.

2022’s Bullet Train, directed by John Wick and Atomic Blonde legend David Leitch, follows a diverse cast of characters as their disparate criminal activities cross paths onboard a Tokyo bullet train headed for Kyoto. While their wide spectrum of jobs seems disconnected at first, it quickly becomes clear that some way, somehow, all of their gigs funnel down to some singular goal. What that goal is, and just how grand its scale is, none of them know, but what they do know is that this is going to be a long train ride.

Brad Pitt is what I would call the main character, a down-on-his-luck, therapy-going, unlucky mess of an American operative named Ladybug by his handler. She insists that ladybugs are good luck, and that his luck is actually very good. He begs to differ, as his luck invariably puts him into the absolute worst scenarios he could possibly imagine.

Besides him, there’s a smarmy young girl named The Prince (a title she’s none too happy about), who’s playing some kind of angle in all of these events; The Father, a man looking for the person who nearly killed his son; The Hornet, a famed poisoner and assassin; and Lemon and Tangerine, two British assassins who’ve been tasked with getting The Son, progeny of infamous underground kingpin The White Death, back to him safely.

This may seem like a lot of plates to be spinning, and it definitely could be, especially in a less-seasoned director’s hands. However, Leitch balances them masterfully, never leaving me confused. I was constantly intrigued, especially when events would play out before their causes would, but he would always make good on those narrative promises. Many seemingly one-off gags instead become incredibly significant as the plot thickens and all of its scattered elements start to slide into place.

The cast also does its own work juggling these balls flawlessly as well. Not a single character isn’t incredibly interesting. Even what I would consider the weakest link, The Father, is played with a lot of nuance and talent. He simply is the least fleshed-out member of the cast, though that pays off later in a different way that I wouldn’t dream of spoiling.

For all of its action foibles, Bullet Train actually weaves an incredibly complex tale. It feels similar to something like a murder mystery, or maybe even a less-forgiving version of, say, Snatch. It keeps its cards to the chest, only showing you what you need to know at any given point. This feeling is often echoed by the characters, as they start to wonder what’s going on themselves. The biggest vehicle for this is Ladybug, who, throughout most of the movie, is trying to complete the deceptively-simple task of just picking up a briefcase and getting off the train.

This is an element I actually adore in this movie; Ladybug spends almost the entire movie in an ever-growing state of exasperation. His job is supposed to be an easy package grab, yet he is constantly being thwarted by the string of bad luck that he insists he’s having, and hoo boy, it is a hell of a string. Probably the biggest source of pure fun for this movie is the increasingly absurd events that seem to swirl around Ladybug, as though he were the nexus of all catastrophe on the planet.

A close second for this fun is the duo of Lemon and Tangerine. Referred to often as “The Twins” by professionals, though looking nothing alike, these two play off of each other so well, you’d think they had actually spent their lives together. Played by Brian Tyree Henry and Aaron Taylor-Johnson respectively, these two coldblooded dudes are also absolute dorks, failing to look cool for most of the movie. What’s even better is, the more straitlaced of the pair, Tangerine, is constantly getting the short end of the stick, while the more goofy Lemon has some moments of genuine badassery and intellect.

While I could gush all day about the rest of characters, I’ll instead simply give the blanket statement that not a single role is wasted, nor are any of the actors bringing down the curve. They all kill it, and it makes you want to see just how this insanity coagulates into a conspiracy of epic proportions.

It’s an incredible action flick that knows exactly what fun is supposed to look like, and I love it for that.

Don’t be a Diesel, though, alright?